Sex & the City

"The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

-Carrie Bradshaw, "Sex & the City"

When it comes to adventure, I'm in. Unless of course it involves anything to do with dating. God knows I've been a late bloomer when it comes to men. Had my first kiss Jan 1, 2007- at the age of 23 on the back of a golf cart in the cayes of Belize... on Ambergris Caye to be exact, in the town of San Pedro that Madonna made famous in her song "La Isla Bonita."

Most people I've met don't think twice about dating; it's an adventure they've braved since the time of their adolescence and for them it's a natural phenomenon. For me, natural phenomena include cliff jumping and hanging out with shepherd boys while stranded in the middle of the Ethiopian wilderness, or spontaneously moving to New York City to learn how to breakdance. Whether for fear of rejection, low self-esteem or discernment of the priesthood, I have avoided dating at all costs with any number of excuses. And it wasn't until moving to NYC that I dared to face this most intimidating adventure of all.

The same discernment process that landed me in NYC also prepared me to face the dating scene. In addition to "Learning how to Breakdance", my Bucket List also contained "Experience life with a partner." This was quite the new revelation for me! Many of you know that I was seriously discerning a celibate life of priesthood throughout high school and college. But after 26 years of independence and traveling the world alone, I feel like I want to share these experiences with someone and that I was made for an intentional partnership. This isn't to say that I'm seeking any random guy to spend life with! I've actually got quite an extensive list of qualities that I'm looking for, which are another reason I had never dated anyone...I never found anyone who suited my interest! Well, there was ONE. He is someone I have known since I was born and who I have admired since before I can remember. To me, he was perfect and it was he who inspired most of the qualities on my list. I feel fortunate to have known so early in life that a perfect man existed and thus I have never settled for less than what i know in my heart I desire. Devastatingly, he was killed in a plane crash in 2004 at the tender age of 28. I was actually in Belize at the time and when I received word, my life was turned upside down. Eric is one of the most amazing men I have ever met. I felt at home in his presence and he lived from a depth that very few his own age even know exists. His sense of adventure continues to inspire me. Shortly before his death, he spoke of his plan to do an Ironman triathlon...I thought he was crazy!! :)

Eric's death shook my faith and brought me eye to eye with the reality of death... or rather into a wrestling match that has been ongoing throughout these past few years. To me it felt like a downward spiral of fear and doubt and questions without satiable answers, wondering how this could happen to someone so amazing. It shifted my priesthood track and left me at a loss for what I see myself doing in life. It wasn't until this move to NYC, 4 years after his death, that I'm beginning to feel the ground under my feet once again. Rooted in new-found self-confidence and healed by the effects of time, I decided to brave the adventure of dating here in the Big Apple. If Idaho produced a nearly perfect man, then New York has got to have something to offer me! From match.com to blind dates and from picking up guys at bars to deflecting the one night stands that NYC is notorious for, my whirlwind of dating experiences ranged from interesting and fun to awkward and really quite bad! Can't say I took many of them up on a 2nd date.

I've heard that love hits when you least expect it. The morning of a terrible match.com dinner date, I met someone. A co-worker. We hit it off so easily, naturally and unexpectedly! His energy was reminiscent of Eric's and his own qualities superceded my list. We dated for a couple months until the bittersweet reality of "right time" "right place" played its course and the looming shadow of my departure to Denver approached. Heart ache. Detachment. Letting go. Are men worth the heart ache? Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

In the end I'm always left with myself. New York has been another chapter of becoming the woman that I want to be. I'm more at home in myself now than I've ever been. And so begins the next chapter of self-refinement... yesterday I caught a flight to Denver to begin a Peace Corps Master's International program at the University of Denver. In pursuit of an MA in International Administration (M.I.A.) with a focus on Non-Profit Management, I'll spend 1 1/2 years in school, followed by 2 years in the Peace Corps, and culminating back in Denver to write my thesis. All of this unfolded during my time in New York where life has been never ending applications in the midst of everything else! I feel consolation in this decision and trust the spirit that has led me here. And if I find someone to love the me I love, well, that will be fabulous.

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them."
-Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & the City

So FAREWELL NEW YORK! Despite our love-hate relationship, you have been a formative experience for me. And to you i am grateful.

Cuidate,

Hana Marie Truscott